I think the hardest things for us to accept in life, is how many things happen without us able to influence them in any way.
I remember when I was young, very young, I thought it was possible to change the world. I firmly believed that if we all stood up for something at once, great waves of change could be made.
Years changed me.
I am now 46 and so different from the feisty young, opinionated woman that I once was. I shall not bore you with details of how much of the changes were brought about, but one of the many things I have learned in life, is that sometimes we need to take a BIG step back from situations, people, and feelings.
All we are guaranteed is the very moment we are living in. Since I started this, many of those moments have passed, but not in vain. Some of the thoughts in this piece of writing have been bubbling away in my subconscious for many days now, stealing my moments of peace. Far better to take the time and write them down.
I have called this piece ‘Legacy’ for two reasons: I am very much the result of that which has been handed down to me in life; I use that, and my moments of deep introspection to try and (hopefully) leave a better legacy when I am gone.
There is nothing that I have any control over in life, but myself.
I can neither affect how people react to me, nor what they think of me. The only thing I can do is be myself, consistently myself.
I am truly blessed by so many in my life. I have a core of people on both sides of the screen who are genuinely pleased to hear from me and whose sides hurt as much from laughter as mine do when we are together. How wonderful it is for me to be chosen for someone to want to spend time with.
Years ago my dear friend Steph told me that I must never look back to how someone treated me in the past… when they were happy to see me. It was a very hard lesson to take on board, but she was right! (She usually is! ❤ )
Don’t think it’s easy for me to simply step away from people. Far from it! Those of you who know me, know much I beat myself up over feeling I fail as a friend. This year, just this year, I have lost the trust and closeness of someone I hold dear. I also had my trust taken by another and used almost as a bargaining chip. Yes, both these events hurt me deeply and angered me too, but I am truly neither an easy friend to have, nor meant to be friends with all.
I am too much of most things. I pester too much, I joke too much. I often say the wrong things at the wrong times. I desperately try and patch up my mistakes, and often make things worse. I spiral. I can have very dark moments of hating myself…. and then I need to breathe and step back.
I have often been asked not to contact someone. Sometimes it has been because of how I am, and things I have done wrong. Sometimes it’s because the person simply has too much going on in their life to deal with me too. I have learnt to try and simply accept that people run out of patience with me and are finally done.
I am damaged. I am so flawed that anyone who is my friend truly has to try hard to look past the legacy of damage which leaves me awkward, over-sensitive and at times, someone to be walked away from.
I don’t simply accept this. I work… on.. me. I try and mend myself. I try and fix the many things which make me too much for those I am even close to.
What I do accept, is the decision of those to walk away from me. There are many good things in me too, and those closest to me know them. Some of you reading this know me from a ‘virtual existence’ and you can think yourselves lucky that you don’t get many texts or phone calls from me. Oh I am a cheeky natterer who can talk on and on for hours about nothing much in particular. *chuckles*
Every Tuesday I meet a group of friends before our shift at work. We sit and eat our sandwiches on the bench in the gardens at work… and put the world to right. We laugh, often apologizing for the volume when visitors walk past. In truth they usually smile back and join in though. Each one of us value that time. We send emails to and fro during the week and know that whatever good, or bad times we have had to face, we can share all on the bench and either feel the joy magnified, or the problems shared.
The world changes. Our friendships change. If things go wrong, the only part WE can change, is ourselves. We can’t make someone want to be close to us again, want to trust again. All we can do is live, move on, fix our issues, and hope that time will heal the parts meant to be healed.
Only last week I was blessed to have the chance to spend time with a friend that I hadn’t been able to enjoy the company of for so long. We picked up from where we had left off.
Nothing remains the same.
The world moves on, and so should we.
My wished legacy? For all my oddness, and the issues I inflict on others, I hope my son will grow up to see how amazing he is, how much he’s valued for the person he is, and how much he matters to me. In fact… that is pretty much the legacy I endeavour to pass to those who are close to me.
The good thing is that friendships and relationships are not set in stone. Time and effort can heal those things which are meant to be fixed.
HAIR: MINA – Lily
BODYSUIT: Blueberry – Serena
PANTS: Blueberry – Serena