Just breathe…

I will be 46 years old this year. I am sure that should scare me a little, but it doesn’t. I honestly never thought I would make it to this age…. *chuckles*… I am someone who worries too much. Yet, I am still getting to know myself, as strange as that may seem. I am the one constant thing in my life, that has been with me from the very beginning, well from my earliest memories, but each day brings new things about myself.

I try very hard not to judge people, but I do form opinions on how someone is, based on how they treat me or others. It’s hard not to. I assume there are reasons why people hurt others or get some kind of pleasure from the hardships of others, but I don’t understand them. I am honestly very busy trying to be the best me that I can be.

Social media is a relatively new addition to our lives, and has changed how we interact with others, for the better and also for the worse. It gives each of us a permanent stage to stand on and portray who we are, in terms of things we like and share, but also in the words we use. Facebook says that I have 164 friends. Very few of them are people I really know, or who know me. To the few that I am close to, I am a very much an open book. Those trusted few know the good aspects to me, but also unfortunately for them, they know the bad parts too.

I don’t think anyone has only good and positive parts to themselves. I think we are a little like highly cut gemstones. Each surface is reflective and able to shine when light meets the surface, but also at the same time as we shine, there are also some sides which are hidden in the dark. Each of us is beautiful and can shine, we just have to choose which parts are shown, I guess.

I still carry with me the echoes of each time I have been told I disappointed others. The memory’s sting of each time I was told I was not good enough, each time I have been walked away from and forgotten still has the power to make its pain felt. I don’t ever think we lose it completely… it’s almost a form of cumulative grief which can be triggered easily. Most of the time I forget those scars are there, but sometimes something finds them… a word… a look… and then I remember so painfully.

But..

I then take time and space to breathe. I look within myself and remember all the good things, all the caring and supportive things that make me who I am. I may not be the most glamorous, exciting or beautiful woman, but I wouldn’t want to swap who I am for those things. I think it’s taken me all these years to work that out really. I am deeply and genuinely grateful for those people who do know me, get me, and choose to shine their light into my life as they allow me to shine into theirs.

I love life.

I love the new start which each new day gives. I am so grateful to have a new one and feel excitement to what it might bring.

I wish you all good and happy days bathed in the rainbow-dazzling reflections of the gems that you are! ❤

Thoughts

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