I know I haven’t been brought completely to rock bottom. There are still many people who have way less than me. I am grateful for all I have, yet my spirits have felt pulled right down to the bottom of emotional darkness. It has given me so much to think about, some of it to overthink of course, but it has also left me in with choices. I either rebuild, or give up.
I refuse to give up.
So I start again. I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and I think he thought I was going to re-create myself. Goodness no! I am too old and set in my ways to completely change myself, but I am viewing it a little as myself standing in the middle of a large and empty room. I am me and it’s very much me at the centre of my life and choices.
Now I need to pick and choose carefully what to place back in the room with me to continue my life with.
Bad things happen to us and through us they can happen to others if we let them. The only thing to do is to learn. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is to kick our backsides into seeing there is much in us that needs fine-tuning.
I have said much this week about me, my faults and where some of them stem from. Much time of quiet reflection… combined with some sleep, has let me see things more clearly now.
The final straw this week came very much through my own fault. Something happened which let me unintentionally hurt someone I still hold dear. It’s now over a week since I said something which hurt them. Just because I didn’t mean to, doesn’t mean it should have happened. Rather than tear my head off for it at the time, they stepped away from me. Those of you following my week will see why that space and silence triggers things in me that I now see I need to be far better at controlling. What I had thought was an amusing and jokey comment was heard by this dear friend at a time when they were struggling and taken in a very different way. I hadn’t appreciated how much they were struggling with… everything… and I hadn’t shared with them how bad things were for me.
Remember how much of an obstacle to the happiness of others I consider myself to be?
When they did want to speak to me about it, it was after they had written something which I had seen and taken completely personally and to heart… and had torn myself up over it. So when they spoke, I read their words with the anger I felt sure was there. I was taken back to the situation of someone throwing open the room door and I hadn’t apologised for the right thing yet and simply expected to be blasted.
So… two people on their knees and both feeling hurt by the other snapped. It didn’t last long but left enough of a chasm.
I need to make sure I listen to people more, and not just the things they actually say. I need to spot the signs that someone is at the end of their tether and try and be a better friend.
Part of doing that is to ensure I look after myself too. Health issues aside, I need to look after my emotional health. The events of the week and the act of picking myself up a little has shown me that there have been things lacking from my life. I NEED to put them right.
I had become an island. Hmm… ok, an island with a thin causeway of a few friends to keep me linked to the mainland of FB. Previous events and comments in past years had let me shrink slowly back. It’s always hard when there’s a fall out and the overlap of friends lets people tell you what others say behind your back. It’s even harder when those saying things never knew me to start with even. A huge dose of honesty for you… I watched and saw how others interact. I saw the relative ease with which some are amusing and cultivate friendships, and very much felt myself the old and boring fart that my demons remind me I am. Thing is, I forgot how much I am actually happy being me. I am neither exciting, nor popular in the way that many are, but I am good hearted and sympathetic. I wouldn’t want to stop being those things, but I had hidden myself away. So few people ever heard from me. I would only react to most pictures or words, and if I did comment, often I would go back later and delete it in case it offended people.
Fact is there are many who dislike me… some of them intensely. I can’t do anything about that really, nor should it bother me.
Having poked my head over my walls this week, I have been completely amazed by how many have reached out to me. Some are old friends that I simply had lost touch with. Some have been people who have said they totally understand my writing and share many of my many issues. I have also been able to connect with new people, positive people. I can’t help but think that reaching hands across the miles and different backgrounds can bring us great strength in our combined strengths and positivity. Each of us is but one candle flame. We shine bright in our immediate area, but when we add our small flame to that of others we can brighten even the largest depth of darkness.
One thing I must never forget again is that I NEED to write. It’s been something like those cartoon leaks in a ceiling, only I never saw the bulge developing or weight building. Each time the pressure has threatened to burst over the past weeks, something has placed a band aid over it, but they can only hold so long, especially when water is added to it all the time. I can’t allow it all to threaten to burst as dramatically again. I can’t cope with it. My health certainly can’t.
Luckily writing about it relieved the pressure, and let the steam slowly escape to where at least some of the burden has got to where I can carry on again. I need to make sure I keep up with that safety valve!
We are all in this together. None of us get out alive, so it’s surely better to share the journey smiling and laughing as often as we can. To all of you have had the patience to read these pieces and bear with me as a friend, you have my gratitude. I hope it has shown you that if I can manage to carry on, as much of a mess as I am, that you can too. Smile and know you are loved, important… and fit yourselves as pieces into the jigsaw of my life. Thank you! ❤