So weary!

You know, it saddens me. I am no good at following the advice I offer those who ask it, (HA!) but over the past few days I have had so many conversations with dear people who as far as I can see do no wrong to others, yet they tell me how unworthy they feel. How they almost expect to be treated badly by others as it’s what they almost feel they deserve. How do we get to that?
I for one am so tired of feeling like I deserve crap stuff to happen. I hear the words come out of my mouth as I tell others they are lovely and deserve more and not to feel guilty at being mistreated, disliked or dropped. Yet as some of you know, I feel the same about myself at certain times.
I don’t care about what most people think about me, but there are those who matter and whose opinions matter and those opinions find the cracks in the veneer of my self. It is true that when you open up and become close as friends to someone, you share things which give them a map to where your darkness dwells. You might choose to share with them the things of your past which have hurt you deepest. The only way we know we can truly trust someone, is to trust them. I don’t share with many, but in doing that I let them know exactly where and how to hurt me. I only do that with those I strongly feel would never use that. 
Those who share with me do the same and believe it or not I try very hard not to hurt others. Sure, much is said about me behind my back by a few, but most I don’t care about the opinions of. When someone I have felt close to for so long tells me I have hurt them, angered them and pushed them to want me to feel that too it opens such deep wounds. Something done by my mistake, but something which causes such a gulf.
Yet for all my perceived strength, I try and fix it. I ignore the fact that I am bleeding out inside, torn apart. I speak English. For some of my American friends, that brings amusement at times, and jokes go from here to there about words. For some people I seem so hard to understand though, and that upsets me more than I can say. Words mean so much to me. Every now and then someone will read something I write and tell me they feel from it…. then at others I may as well be speaking something made up that nobody can begin to comprehend.
I once read somewhere that we are like butterflies. The butterfly itself can’t see it’s own beautiful wings, but it’s something we all can see. I do think people are like that. It’s why it’s so easy for me to sit and talk to some and explain how very worthy they are, but in myself I see only the reminded faults, the tales of those I have hurt to where they are done with me.
My daily life and stresses there have me on my knees at the moment, so everything is going to hit me harder, but losing a friend I care so much about has hit me very hard. If I listened to the advice I give others, I would tell them that those who truly care will in time try and make up distance, but where I am, in my shoes, hope is something too thin to cling to.
From now on I will think much more before I say anything to people. Nobody deserves to feel angry and upset, especially from something meant as a joke. I have always been too flippant at times and try to make light of things at times, yet so often I get it so wrong.
For sweet people to tell me they deserve to be dropped as a friend, it made me lose silent tears this morning. Nobody should feel that. I think friendship, true friendship ought to have space to be able to try and mend things.

Don’t be like me though. Don’t make so many mistakes that people are simply done. Remind people they matter to you and that you love them. Share smiles and light with them, rather than darkness and anger. False friends are no loss, but true and valued ones once lost can never be replaced, nor the gap they leave filled.

This is dedicated to those who confide in me, but also the few dear friends I have left and who I love.

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