If I could travel back to different stages in my life I wouldn’t change a thing. I have made some monumental mistakes and have left myself in situations where people have taken my wishes and heart and kicked them around like a football. Yet, if I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Each and every thing, both good and bad, has brought me to be the person I am now. I have lived through much and survived it all till this point Sadly for the haters, I am someone I actually like. I have more faults and flaws than most, but I wake each day with a smile at the challenge of working on who I am and trying to improve myself.
I am not someone that appeals to many though. I am too old and too cynical to put up with much rubbish from many. The events that shaped me, taught me much. Each one was experienced for a reason. They have left me stubborn, opinionated and quick-tempered at times. I don’t expect to be liked. Honestly I don’t like many people either, but prefer to think of it as being choosy. I have no time for the selfish actions of many, especially if they are aimed at those I care about.
I will be honest though. I have demons dwelling inside my head which mutter at me at times. Sometimes they mis-time their attacks dramatically and will sneak up when I am riding the crest of happy times. They might dampen spirits for a little, but when buoyed up by laughter I am far more capable of dealing with them quickly. They are fond of telling me I am an obstacle to people’s happiness, that people only tolerate me out of some kind of pity. They have remembered each and every nasty thing I have been told about myself, whether right or wrong and will repeat them back. At other times, however, they manage to whisper loud enough for my heart to hear them, and then it plummets.
It’s not easy to be strong and true, without seeming to trample on the more delicate feelings of others at times. In my day to day life I manage to avoid this well. I am someone who is leaned on, sought out and is a friend to many. That’s easy though, I can see their faces as I speak. If I detect a frown, I can try and solve whatever I said that caused it.
Online I have an enemy though. It seems to be my nemesis and works closely with my demons. It is the delete button, or the ability to remove my posts or comments after having given voice to that which I truly believe. I have been in the grip of this monster since 2010, yet only realised it today. Back in 2010 I cared for someone who would delete my comments from their Flickr stream if their Ex didn’t want to see them. They did it without thinking and would mention it to me much later. It happened a lot, and over time I allowed my demons to tell me it was because my words weren’t worth reading in comparison to those of others. I fell into the trap of reading, then re-reading my words and worrying, before deleting them.
This is a habit which is proving hard to shake. The brash, smart-arse you might encounter on FB or FLickr is very much me. I read, laugh, then comment, but then re-read… then worry… then delete. I hear the whispers. Some will tell me to my face in the hope of helping me, that I am too dark for them, that my words hurt them. It’s something people have said for a while and although those I am close to say they love me as I am, my demons won’t let me believe that completely. It’s a battle, but I fight on.
So I am left with a puzzle. If I wouldn’t erase my past, not one bit of it, why am I so quick to erase my words online. At what time do I stop before I lose myself?